I am a low maintenance friend, truly. Like I could go a whole week not talking to someone and be totally okay with it. Or someone could just basically forget I existed and literally speak to me a year earlier and I’ll be okay with it.
I see myself, or at least I’d like to see myself, as someone who even after momentous amounts of time you could come talk too and it’ll be like no time has passed. Yesterday my friend Emmanuel called to talk about meeting up when I jet over to the States. We haven’t spoken for like 2/3 YEARS and yet we spoke for an hour plus about everything and nothing and it was great. We caught up a little and joked a lot.
This is the kind of friendship I crave. One where both parties don’t expect daily updates unless it’s life or death but just enjoy the chat when it comes. When I and you, thousands of miles away, are clued into each other’s life events and not about what you had for lunch today, the important stuff minus all the jargon surrounding it.
So if and when I do have the luck to meet you sometime in my life and we do end up being friends, I really hope you remember this little nugget about me.
Recently I came across this saying, a mantra more like it.
At first glance this is nothing more than a phrase, concocted by pure talent. But, little did I know, it holds more truth than you can imagine.
You see, one can victimise themselves to their SO, friends, making the others the bad guy, all they want.
Lie to them, twist words to work in their favour, tell them sweet nothings to get them tangled up in their web.
To those who dare do this, who dare go against humanity and stoop this low, just remember, at the end of all this ;
What 3 things cannot long be hidden?
The Sun, The Moon, The Truth.
All the bitter hate. All the nonsensical arguments we had because one of us got angry too quickly, took a joke too far, took a comment too seriously.
All the times we created so much friction after so much passion, so much ease. For all the times where looking at you became so difficult that just being in your company leaves me running for solitude, leaves me hiding from the world cause no matter how much I try to avoid you, its impossible. You’re everywhere, inescapable.
You left me hanging, alone, without much of a thought. Like I never touched your life, like i never meant anything to you, like my friendship wasn’t worth your worry, your memories. I never did understand, and probably never will, what I could’ve done to deserve such treatment but it must’ve been bad cause everyday slowly starts to feel like a rat caught in a maze only this time there isn’t a block of cheese waiting for me at the end of the line, only sorrow and loneliness follow.
And for all those times, no matter the bad or the unbearable, I could never hate you as much as I tried. I’ve just learnt to love me enough for the both of us.
I know, you told me how things are for you. You sat down patiently, time and time again, explained to me why you and I could never be. A past demon which haunts you, forbids you from falling inlove. Incapacitates you the second a relationship blooms up, disallowing you from loving someone and letting someone love you. And with each time, I laughed and held your hand, hugged you close, told you how much I understood what you went through and would never expect more from you because the feelings I had for you. It made me forgo the possible future
But now, as much as I have tried to think like a man, to separate the emotional entity from the practical, I have fallen for you as I shouldn’t have. Not only for your sake but mine. For the fact my heart needs to heal from all the emotional distress I have caused it by loving someone who mistook my loving for his own use, loving someone who was my angel for a little while and back to loving someone who’s second chance was wasted upon.
I should learn to live, to breathe, to enjoy life as mine and mine alone. I should be able to go places and do things and meet people without worrying about the intention behind each smile, each laugh, each wink. I have been alone for 18 years of my life and I survived. I survived the good times and the bad. The loneliness and demons that crept up each night from my thoughts, consuming my every being till the sun rose once more.
I should learn to be alone once more. I should learn to be ordinary once more.
But, I just can’t anymore, not with you being around me, charging up the air like a live wire. Call it a physical attraction or a mental connection, you’ve got me caught up in your world and I’m not ready to leave. Not just yet.
you know when you’re walking along life, just minding your own business when suddenly you crash into this apace wall and fall on over. as you fall you wonder, what happened? did you trip on a mistake you made? was it a pull from a demon from the past? or maybe you just tripped on your own two feet whilst you were too busy admiring the view.
stunned, you brush off the dirt from your clothes and look up to inspect the sudden-appeared wall that jolted you out of life’s dream. a hand appears. a smooth, tanned skinned hand. with fingers housing beautifully rounded fingernails. calluses on the palm, only evidence of hard work , extended out towards you.
mesmerised, you stare at the hand as this melodious voice calls out to you. it sounds sweeter than sugar, just like birds singing. yours eyes meet and owh how lovely those eyes are. deep set, golden brown like burnt honey. so vast feel as tho they can see all the way into your soul.
and right then, thats when it all falls away. everything that meant to you before this very moment seems so distant. all that was important to you became second to this wonder, this greek god standing infront of you. you take their hand and never want to let go. standing up they flash you a smile of apology before introducing themselves to you. and the rest is history.
that, is your little burst of wonder.