Low maintenance friend

I am a low maintenance friend, truly. Like I could go a whole week not talking to someone and be totally okay with it. Or someone could just basically forget I existed and literally speak to me a year earlier and I’ll be okay with it.

I see myself, or at least I’d like to see myself, as someone who even after momentous amounts of time you could come talk too and it’ll be like no time has passed. Yesterday my friend EmmanuelΒ called to talk about meeting up when I jet over to the States. We haven’t spoken for like 2/3 YEARS and yet we spoke for an hour plus about everything and nothing and it was great. We caught up a little and joked a lot.

This is the kind of friendship I crave. One where both parties don’t expect daily updates unless it’s life or death but just enjoy the chat when it comes. When I and you, thousands of miles away, are clued into each other’s life events and not about what you had for lunch today, the important stuff minus all the jargon surrounding it.

 

So if and when I do have the luck to meet you sometime in my life and we do end up being friends, I really hope you remember this little nugget about me.

A thank you, for all you sexy people out there.

Have you ever come across a moment, where you suddenly realise all you’ve existed as, has been the most pathetic thing witnessed in human history?
Where everything you’ve ever done just pisses the fuck outta you?

Well I just did, and fuck, I have acted like the worlds biggest wanker.

Yes I did not have an easy life socially. Being horribly awkward, did leave me by my lonesome self at times.
Yes I did take it to heart when some friends didn’t shape up to who I thought they were.
Yes I admit to being the one who made her emotional past a part of her, never allowing herself to be happy, always trying to be the lone wolf.

What the absolute fuck was I thinking.

I should be bursting with joy with the life I’ve got! Family that annoys the living daylights out of me but break out the knuckle dusters the second I need them. Friends that would overlook the socially awkward child sitting here, banging away on her words and care for her. Blessed to even have the opportunity to wake up in a bed under warm covers. Ecstatic that I’m able to call Edinburgh my home. Jumping that my birthday is coming and realising that it’s okay to think about yourself sometimes. No one will love me any less. Why?

They actually care for me.

And what have I been doing with that precious notion for the past couple of years? Cry about all those times that hurt like a little bitch instead of celebrating all the moments that I might never get again. Cherishing relationships, enjoying nature and just, heck, just living live. Not everyone is as lucky as I am and instead of running away from it, its about time I embrace it with open arms and a happy heart.

It’s time I stopped acting like a fucking victim. It’s time I stopped crying over people who didn’t care about me and appreciate the ones who do.

So here it is, a thank you for making this life beyond amazing. A thank you for taking the time to make my day, however small your gesture may have been. A thank you, even to those who have made my life difficult cause without you, babe, I would not be the strong kickass woman I am today. And finally a thank you, for making me realise how wonderful this life can be even if it comes with a side of depressing and thats okay. You ain’t gonna die from a portion of it.

It’s time to live cause fuck, being 21 is just the beginning.

But I just can’t anymore.

I know, you told me how things are for you. You sat down patiently, time and time again, explained to me why you and I could never be. A past demon which haunts you, forbids you from falling inlove. Incapacitates you the second a relationship blooms up, disallowing you from loving someone and letting someone love you. And with each time, I laughed and held your hand, hugged you close, told you how much I understood what you went through and would never expect more from you because the feelings I had for you. It made me forgo the possible future

But now, as much as I have tried to think like a man, to separate the emotional entity from the practical, I have fallen for you as I shouldn’t have. Not only for your sake but mine. For the fact my heart needs to heal from all the emotional distress I have caused it by loving someone who mistook my loving for his own use, loving someone who was my angel for a little while and back to loving someone who’s second chance was wasted upon.

I should learn to live, to breathe, to enjoy life as mine and mine alone. I should be able to go places and do things and meet people without worrying about the intention behind each smile, each laugh, each wink. I have been alone for 18 years of my life and I survived. I survived the good times and the bad. The loneliness and demons that crept up each night from my thoughts, consuming my every being till the sun rose once more. I should learn to be alone once more.Β I should learn to be ordinary once more.

But, I just can’t anymore, not with you being around me, charging up the air like a live wire. Call it a physical attraction or a mental connection, you’ve got me caught up in your world and I’m not ready to leave. Not just yet.

little burst of wonder.

you know when you’re walking along life, just minding your own business when suddenly you crash into this apace wall and fall on over. as you fall you wonder, what happened? did you trip on a mistake you made? was it a pull from a demon from the past? or maybe you just tripped on your own two feet whilst you were too busy admiring the view.

stunned, you brush off the dirt from your clothes and look up to inspect the sudden-appeared wall that jolted you out of life’s dream. a hand appears. a smooth, tanned skinned hand. with fingers housing beautifully rounded fingernails. calluses on the palm, only evidence of hard work , extended out towards you.

mesmerised, you stare at the hand as this melodious voice calls out to you. it sounds sweeter than sugar, just like birds singing. yours eyes meet and owh how lovely those eyes are. deep set, golden brown like burnt honey. so vast feel as tho they can see all the way into your soul.

and right then, thats when it all falls away. everything that meant to you before this very moment seems so distant. all that was important to you became second to this wonder, this greek god standing infront of you. you take their hand and never want to let go. standing up they flash you a smile of apology before introducing themselves to you. and the rest is history.

that, is your little burst of wonder.