All the bitter hate. All the nonsensical arguments we had because one of us got angry too quickly, took a joke too far, took a comment too seriously.
All the times we created so much friction after so much passion, so much ease. For all the times where looking at you became so difficult that just being in your company leaves me running for solitude, leaves me hiding from the world cause no matter how much I try to avoid you, its impossible. You’re everywhere, inescapable.
You left me hanging, alone, without much of a thought. Like I never touched your life, like i never meant anything to you, like my friendship wasn’t worth your worry, your memories. I never did understand, and probably never will, what I could’ve done to deserve such treatment but it must’ve been bad cause everyday slowly starts to feel like a rat caught in a maze only this time there isn’t a block of cheese waiting for me at the end of the line, only sorrow and loneliness follow.
And for all those times, no matter the bad or the unbearable, I could never hate you as much as I tried. I’ve just learnt to love me enough for the both of us.
I know, you told me how things are for you. You sat down patiently, time and time again, explained to me why you and I could never be. A past demon which haunts you, forbids you from falling inlove. Incapacitates you the second a relationship blooms up, disallowing you from loving someone and letting someone love you. And with each time, I laughed and held your hand, hugged you close, told you how much I understood what you went through and would never expect more from you because the feelings I had for you. It made me forgo the possible future
But now, as much as I have tried to think like a man, to separate the emotional entity from the practical, I have fallen for you as I shouldn’t have. Not only for your sake but mine. For the fact my heart needs to heal from all the emotional distress I have caused it by loving someone who mistook my loving for his own use, loving someone who was my angel for a little while and back to loving someone who’s second chance was wasted upon.
I should learn to live, to breathe, to enjoy life as mine and mine alone. I should be able to go places and do things and meet people without worrying about the intention behind each smile, each laugh, each wink. I have been alone for 18 years of my life and I survived. I survived the good times and the bad. The loneliness and demons that crept up each night from my thoughts, consuming my every being till the sun rose once more.
I should learn to be alone once more. I should learn to be ordinary once more.
But, I just can’t anymore, not with you being around me, charging up the air like a live wire. Call it a physical attraction or a mental connection, you’ve got me caught up in your world and I’m not ready to leave. Not just yet.
It’s just like, no matter what I do, no matter how I do it or how I say it, things just get worse. The amount of work I put in, or the heart i give. The kindness that hardly anyone would give and no one would show. No one shows back any love and heart any kindness. Just as long as they’re happy. No one gives a hoot about the little people like me. Things just get worse,
you know when you’re walking along life, just minding your own business when suddenly you crash into this apace wall and fall on over. as you fall you wonder, what happened? did you trip on a mistake you made? was it a pull from a demon from the past? or maybe you just tripped on your own two feet whilst you were too busy admiring the view.
stunned, you brush off the dirt from your clothes and look up to inspect the sudden-appeared wall that jolted you out of life’s dream. a hand appears. a smooth, tanned skinned hand. with fingers housing beautifully rounded fingernails. calluses on the palm, only evidence of hard work , extended out towards you.
mesmerised, you stare at the hand as this melodious voice calls out to you. it sounds sweeter than sugar, just like birds singing. yours eyes meet and owh how lovely those eyes are. deep set, golden brown like burnt honey. so vast feel as tho they can see all the way into your soul.
and right then, thats when it all falls away. everything that meant to you before this very moment seems so distant. all that was important to you became second to this wonder, this greek god standing infront of you. you take their hand and never want to let go. standing up they flash you a smile of apology before introducing themselves to you. and the rest is history.
that, is your little burst of wonder.
Ever had that thought, on a warm summer day or cool winter night, about death? It may not happen dramatically or even suddenly. It may come to mind as a fleeting thought or an idea picked up from a runaway conversation. Or maybe you could have been just sitting around, contemplating life as it is when suddenly your mind up’s and goes, what happens after? After that final breath, that final blink, that final conscious thought before our bodies die and our souls depart? Do we even have souls, is there an afterlife or are all these just vague imaginations of the mind to give humans some peace about the unknown?
Have you ever wondered about death?