Complicated.

Idk when things started getting more complicated between you and I but today morning really made me realise how naive and stupid and immature I am, thinking this could work. Thinking that you and i being friends would work cause how can it when you like me more than i like you?

Yes i know, in my many drunken stupors, i have told you that we aren’t dating because of traditions, because of distance and other excuses. And that at the end of the day i would date you if i could because i like you. But what has changed from those times to today morning is that yes i do like you, a lot even, but i like you as a friend. A companion that speaks to my inner self, the one not many people as it is the most vulnerable part of someone. Being apart from you for the past few weeks has made me realise that it isn’t the physical that i crave but it is your companionship. Talking and texting over the phone gave me more satisfaction than our romp in the sheets during those sultry nights.

I know i hurt you terribly today when i told you again how me talking to you wasn’t because i want to date you but it was because i enjoy our silly conversations. I know you’re expecting me to fall for you and give in by dating you but Mr Miller i will tell you now that this will never happen. It will never happen because i treasure you as a friend and a human above anything and everything else and dating a girl who has so many unresolved issue and can’t give you 1001% dating commitment is not something i will allow to happen. No siree you take my word for it.

Hate me all you want, I don’t know if we’ll ever speak after today but my dearest Camu, know that i sayang you always and you’ll always have a special place in my heart because you are the kindest and most brilliant souls i’ve met in my time and it’s a soul i’ll cherish always.

Low maintenance friend

I am a low maintenance friend, truly. Like I could go a whole week not talking to someone and be totally okay with it. Or someone could just basically forget I existed and literally speak to me a year earlier and I’ll be okay with it.

I see myself, or at least I’d like to see myself, as someone who even after momentous amounts of time you could come talk too and it’ll be like no time has passed. Yesterday my friend Emmanuelย called to talk about meeting up when I jet over to the States. We haven’t spoken for like 2/3 YEARS and yet we spoke for an hour plus about everything and nothing and it was great. We caught up a little and joked a lot.

This is the kind of friendship I crave. One where both parties don’t expect daily updates unless it’s life or death but just enjoy the chat when it comes. When I and you, thousands of miles away, are clued into each other’s life events and not about what you had for lunch today, the important stuff minus all the jargon surrounding it.

 

So if and when I do have the luck to meet you sometime in my life and we do end up being friends, I really hope you remember this little nugget about me.

Winter mornings

Anyone who knew me well enough would know how much I hate snow, for what it brings about the day after. The wet roads, ice that seems to sneak up on you, landing you with one too many close calls with the surface of the sidewalk and worst of all the sludge that always seems to find a way to stick to the bottom of your jeans. yetch

But what most don’t know is that, secretly, I love the falling part that brings in the snow. To see the flurry of white snowflakes coating every surface, giving it a pure and iridescent effect when it hits the early morning sunlight. Or the calm silent nights that occupy a snowfall making you feel like the world has been shrouded in a sense of peace and tranquility.

 

It truly is the thing fairytales are made from.

Of TV shows and family holidays.

A series is like a family holiday. At first, you shake your head in utmost disbelief. Thinking to yourself how did you allow yourself to go along with the idea when your life was fine before it. Then as the series progresses, like any holiday, you start to enjoy it. Any negativity implied disappears, leaving you to revel in the ups. To be sorrowful in downs knowing it will get better. At last, as any holiday and series go along, the end is inevitable. And that leaves you depressed and upset but oddly satisfied. Cause you knew, looking back, even with all the reservations you had when you first said “Yes I’ll do it” it was one of the best damn moments of your life.

Early Mornings.

waking up to a sky so blue, a dawn so orange that it seems like the whole sky is on fire.

but I think what it would be like to wake up in your arms.

pulling on a jacket to ward off that early morning chill, shuffling across the floor with the promise of hot cocoa is what keeps you going.

cause all I want to do is go back to bed and feel your arms around me.

steam rises, fogging the mirror. hot water burning, scalding the skin on your back, turning you red with raw pain and the need to feel something, anything more than the emptiness which consumes you.

I remember the way you looked at me that morning, laughter crinkling the edges of your eyes as you jangle my keys high up in the air. Teasing me to no end with your smile and banter. Testing my patience, pushing it to the breaking point.

wrapping yourself up in his old shirt, you sit by the window. Observing life start to awaken.
Parents walking their children to school, dogs taking their morning walk.
A couple in midst of a kiss, sad to be apart for the day but anxious and excited for what the night will behold them. The world is at such peace.

I’m sorry love, that knock on the ground caused his aneurysm to rupture. It wasn’t your fault, none of us could’ve known he’d have had it. It was just a series of unfortunate events.

Funny, how in one split second your whole universe can come crashing down. Your whole life shredded in mere seconds and yet, it’s as insignificant as a shout into the oblivion.

Love continues to blossom. People continue to grow and the world keeps spinning. And there is just you, sitting by the window of your psych ward, drinking medication that you think is hot cocoa, wondering what today may have been like if you hadn’t killed him 5 years ago.

I am trying so hard to be a better. To be someone who isn’t sad an insecure all the damn time. To be someone who is reliable and happy god dammit. Butย what happens when the person you trusted to open up too about things you’ve never told anyone about, doesn’t trust you the same way?

How do you stop your broken pieces from coming undone?

A thank you, for all you sexy people out there.

Have you ever come across a moment, where you suddenly realise all you’ve existed as, has been the most pathetic thing witnessed in human history?
Where everything you’ve ever done just pisses the fuck outta you?

Well I just did, and fuck, I have acted like the worlds biggest wanker.

Yes I did not have an easy life socially. Being horribly awkward, did leave me by my lonesome self at times.
Yes I did take it to heart when some friends didn’t shape up to who I thought they were.
Yes I admit to being the one who made her emotional past a part of her, never allowing herself to be happy, always trying to be the lone wolf.

What the absolute fuck was I thinking.

I should be bursting with joy with the life I’ve got! Family that annoys the living daylights out of me but break out the knuckle dusters the second I need them. Friends that would overlook the socially awkward child sitting here, banging away on her words and care for her. Blessed to even have the opportunity to wake up in a bed under warm covers. Ecstatic that I’m able to call Edinburgh my home. Jumping that my birthday is coming and realising that it’s okay to think about yourself sometimes. No one will love me any less. Why?

They actually care for me.

And what have I been doing with that precious notion for the past couple of years? Cry about all those times that hurt like a little bitch instead of celebrating all the moments that I might never get again. Cherishing relationships, enjoying nature and just, heck, just living live. Not everyone is as lucky as I am and instead of running away from it, its about time I embrace it with open arms and a happy heart.

It’s time I stopped acting like a fucking victim. It’s time I stopped crying over people who didn’t care about me and appreciate the ones who do.

So here it is, a thank you for making this life beyond amazing. A thank you for taking the time to make my day, however small your gesture may have been. A thank you, even to those who have made my life difficult cause without you, babe, I would not be the strong kickass woman I am today. And finally a thank you, for making me realise how wonderful this life can be even if it comes with a side of depressing and thats okay. You ain’t gonna die from a portion of it.

It’s time to live cause fuck, being 21 is just the beginning.